Relationships: Love, Communication and Purpose

Perhaps you are like me and have known someone who has a child suffering from the condition of autism, or an elderly person who has Alzheimer Disease.  One of the saddest parts of these conditions is the person is unable to communicate with others in a mutually satisfying way.

Today we want to talk about some ideas presented in the book by Tedd Tripp called Instructing a Child’s Heart. 
The growing child soon experiences circumstances where there is the temptation to do wrong things and the resulting guilt and consequences of failure to resist temptation.  Or perhaps your child will have experienced pain as a result of others who are unkind and selfish, or the loss of a loved one and the resulting sense of hopeless despair.

Let’s look at Colossians 2:9-10a to see what the Bible says about God’s solution for our problems relationally in life.  “For in Him all the fullness of Deity dwells in bodily form,  and in Him you have been made complete.” NASB.

Colossians here is talking about the fact that all we need is found IN Christ Jesus.  In spite of the difficult circumstances in life and the sins of others against us and our own sinful ways, Christ is all we need.  We stand complete in Him.
But how can I say this? We live in a world with cancer, child abuse, sexual trafficking, murder, adultery, autism, Alzheimer, AIDS and whatever else is the ugly side of life.

Everyone wants to ‘belong’.  We are relational beings. How so? Can our belonging needs be met in Christ? Did relationships begin at creation?  NO.  

 Before creation God, the Father, God the Eternal Son, and God the Holy Spirit lived in a relationship of love, communication and purpose.   

God has never been lonely. God did not need to belong to us.  God did not need man to relate to.  However, we need God!  We belong to God by creation. We are His, made BY and FOR Him.   God is most glorified when we are most satisfied in Him.  Let’s look at one passage in the Bible that talks about the relational aspect of God.  Ephesians 1 verses 1 through 13 we see God the Father choosing us before the foundation of the world, to be holy and blameless in Jesus Christ; predestining us to adoption as His children; the redemption through the blood of Jesus Christ; the seal of our salvation and inheritance through the Holy Spirit as God’s own possession. So we see the Father chooses [love], the Son redeems [purpose] and the Spirit seals [communication].  Genesis 1;26,27 shows that man’s original relationship with God mirrors those same elements: love, communication and purpose.  Man needs relationship because he was made in the image of God.

The Gospel is relational.  Holy God, Sinful Man, Substitutionary Sacrificial Lamb of God Who died and was resurrected to life, Man’s response of repentance and trust.  Restored Relationship.  We call it reconciliation. 
Look at these words from 2 Corinthians 5:14-21 NASB
For the love of Christ controls us, having concluded this, that one died for all, therefore all died; 15 and He died for all, so that they who live might no longer live for themselves, but for Him who died and rose again on their behalf.

16 Therefore from now on we recognize no one according to the flesh; even though we have known Christ according to the flesh, yet now we know Him in this way no longer. 17 Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creature; the old things passed away; behold, new things have come. 18 Now all these things are from God, who reconciled us to Himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation, 19 namely, that God was in Christ reconciling the world to Himself, not counting their trespasses against them, and He has committed to us the word of reconciliation.

20 Therefore, we are ambassadors for Christ, as though God were making an appeal through us; we beg you on behalf of Christ, be reconciled to God. 21 He made Him who knew no sin to be sin on our behalf, so that we might become the righteousness of God in Him.

  Notice that it is through reconciliation to God that man finds his true identity.  We no longer live for ourselves.  Our belonging needs are met in Christ.  We become as Christ, reaching out in love and mercy to our enemies and sharing with them the Good News. Ironically, Jesus teaches that to find our lives, we must lose our lives for the sake of His Kingdom.  The Kingdom of God is within you [Luke 17:21] is true only for the person who is born again of the Spirit of God and has a new heart. 
Keep reaching your child’s heart with the gospel. 

A Life of Communication

A Life of Communication

     Life is not static.  Life is dynamic. What do I mean by this? Simply that things change.  Time is under the sovereignty of God the same as all of creation.  Communication is also meant to be a lifestyle and not an event.  Let’s explore what this looks like in discipling children. 
     Rules, Correction and Discipline.  Do these three things constitute the total of your communication with your children? You set up rules.  The child breaks the rule.  You decide what consequence is involved [if any] in breaking the rule. 

    Let’s explore eight more aspects of communication that are needed in Shepherding a Child’s Heart.  My thanks to Tedd Tripp, author of books on child training for the following thoughts.

     Be aware that it is important to know which type of communication is appropriate for which situation you encounter.  1 Thessalonians 5:14 NASB states: We urge you, brethren, admonish the unruly [undisciplined], encourage the fainthearted, help the weak, be patient with everyone.”

Encouragement:  Your child comes to you and knows he has once again lost his temper and offended his friends.  He is very discouraged.  Is this the time for a rebuke? Instruction? NO.  The child needs to know that Christ came to those who are of a contrite and brokenhearted knowing they are unable to change themselves.  Point them toward the courage, hope and inspiration to walk on in times of hopeless despair.  Use Psalms such as Psalm 42.  Perhaps at a later time the anger issue can be discussed.
Correction:  Correction holds up the standard of God’s Word to bring about a needed change of some deed or attitude that is wrong. Along with identifying God’s standard [which as been broken] use Scripture to show what is needed. Example: If your child is complaining, probe the heart by asking “Does your attitude demonstrate thankfulness and contentment?” or “Rather than complaining, what can you be thankful for in this situation?” Use this Scripture as a means of ‘reproof’ “Do everything without complaining and arguing.” Philippians 2:14 NIV.  Encourage them with this positive Scripture. “It is God’s will that you be thankful and joyful in all circumstances.” 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 NIV. Other verses you may want to read include Proverbs 17:22 and Colossians 3: 17, 23 NIV

Rebuke: A rebuke censors behavior.  The rebuke is needed for areas where other forms of communication are not effective.  If your child wishes another person dead or tells them, I hate you, or you are stupid, then a rebuke in which you tell the child you do not wish to ever hear them say these words again is appropriate.  Follow up with instruction, encouragement and prayer.

Entreaty: This is reserved for issues of great importance.  Proverbs 23:26 begins, “My son, give me your heart…” Often we leave it to society to train our children regarding moral purity.  This is tragic.  Often children need some support to do what they already know is right. When they are struggling in the area of moral purity, they should feel free to come to us and we will have answers from the Word of God.

Instruction: The Book of Proverbs supplies a goldmine of information giving understanding to your child about issues like fool, mocker, sluggard, diligent, and other character attributes.  This book not only instructs, it warns, it teaches practical lessons about how to achieve Biblical success. Fathers, read a Proverb each day with your sons and daughters.  Ask questions!

Warning: Warnings in life enable us to avoid catastrophe.  Experience is NOT the best teacher.  The principle of sowing and reaping is what we need to refer to in instructing our children.  Often children don’t anticipate the dangers ahead because they have no instruction regarding consequences of what may seem to them harmless behavior.  Warning is not yelling at your child.  Look for the teachable moments.  Again, read daily the Proverbs. Study the tongue. Study what is said about laziness vs diligence.  Friendship. Slander.  Deception.  You will find many opportunities in real life to relate the wisdom of Proverbs to today’s events.

Teaching: Teaching imparts knowledge.  Much teaching occurs before it is needed.  Your child learns reading, mathematics, life skills such as food preparation and home repairs.  However using Scripture teaches your child to understand himself, others, life, God’s revelation, the world and the relationship of man to God and the rest of God’s creation. The study of the Book of Genesis is a great place to impart knowledge. This book of beginnings lays the foundation for the rest of the Bible. I encourage the study of someone like Ken Ham’s teachings to teach your child about God and the beginning of mankind. 
http://www.answersingenesis.org/

Prayer: Pray with your child.  The reality of your relationship of trust and confidence in God will be obvious.  Listen to your child’s prayers.  Often this is a window to their souls.  Remember what is urgent or traumatic to a child is worthy of your undivided attention.  Teach your child the elements of prayer.  Adoration, Confession, Petition, Supplication, Intercession are all parts of prayer.  Prayer is not just repetitive words before a meal or bedtime.  Prayer is intimate communion with our Creator and our Father, if we are converted.  Even a child can pray a profound prayer.  Prayer reminds us that we are fallen creatures, the same as our children.

 Write me and ask questions about this important topic.  Poor communication is the root of many family problems.  Remember, communication has not occurred until the person is heard and understood.  Words as well as body language communicate.  Give your child undivided attention.  This is not the time to 'multi-task'.  Eye contact and your facial expressions as well as your voice communicate more than the content of your words.

Communication and the Wisdom Literature

We have been considering the goals of parents as God’s appointed caregivers or shepherds over the children God has entrusted to us. 

Today we will discuss God’s design for communication and how our beliefs about how to raise children will determine our communication methods.

Harsh words, yelling, scolding, the lecture method, and belittling are all associated with behavioral management which we already determined is not compatible with goals of parental nurture and discipleship. 

If our lives as parents are characterized by a vibrant faith and joyful confidence in God, our communication will exhibit these qualities: restraint, pleasant words and understanding.  I am sure there are other qualities, but today we consider these three.

RESTRAINT
Proverbs 17:27 says “A man of knowledge uses words with restraint, and a man of understanding is even-tempered.” Yes, our speech can be honest and yet must be seasoned with much grace to the hearer. We are not to speak ‘our mind’ or to ‘tell it like it is’. Speech that builds up and nurtures is neither impetuous nor thoughtless. Ecclesiastes 9:17 reminds us that quiet words carry a power that shouting or screaming words lack. “The quiet words of the wise are more to be heeded than the shouts of a ruler of fools.” Shouting trivializes words.

Restrained speech chooses the words carefully and keeps the message succinct.  Ecclesiastes 6:11 reminds us: “The more the words, the less the meaning, and how does that profit anyone?” Another warning about long conversations, Proverbs 10:19, “When words are many, sin is not absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise.”

Restrained speech thinks first, and then speaks.  “The heart of the righteous weighs its answers, but the mouth of the wicked gushes evil.” Proverbs 15:28. A word spoken can never be retracted.  This alone should cause us to put a guard over our mouth and to weigh carefully not only what we wish to communicate, but also the timing and the heart attitude we have in speaking of this matter. Two more Proverbs instruct us in wisdom.  “Do you see a man who speaks in haste? There is more hope for a fool than for him.” Proverbs 29:20.  “A man finds joy in giving an apt reply—and how good is a timely word.” Proverbs 15:23.

PLEASANT WORDS

Pleasant words are not a communication technique—they flow from the fear of the Lord. Proverbs 16:21 tells us, “The wise in heart are called discerning, and pleasant words promote instruction.” Another place we read “A wise man’s heart guides his mouth, and his lips promote instruction. Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.” Proverbs 16: 23,24. You cannot simply vent your displeasure with your child if you wish to promote instruction.  Frightening a child into submission by your rage and anger doesn’t mean they are listening to you.  Instead you have coerced your child into a cringing submission.  Verbal berating of your child identifies the parent as the fool of Proverbs 15:2. “The tongue of the wise commends knowledge, but the mouth of the fool gushes folly.” Grace is God giving us what we don’t deserve.  God gives the gift of forgiveness and everlasting life to people who deserve his condemnation. Ecclesiastes 10:12 says “Words from a wise man’s mouth are gracious.” We should give the same attention to our words as a jeweler does to design a lovely setting for a precious gemstone.  Proverbs 25:11 alludes to this.  “A word aptly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver.”  Pleasant words nourish the soul just as good food the body.  Proverbs 10:21 teaches “The lips of the righteous nourish many, but fools die for lack of judgment.” Your words need to be as a fountain of life-giving, pleasant waters.

I think that a good way to evaluate your words used with your children would include asking yourself if you would use these words with your colleagues, your contemporaries, your neighbors?

UNDERSTANDING

What is the goal of good communication? Many think communication is the ability to formulate ideas into words.  However, the ability to understand the person with whom one speaks is the highest form of communication.  Proverbs 18:2 says “A fool finds no pleasure in understanding but delights in airing his own opinions.”  How often do you begin a ‘conversation’ with your child that has no intention of listening to hear his heart?  Do you remember with regret some conversations after reading Proverbs 18:13? “He who answers before listening—that is his folly and his shame.”

If your child cannot talk to you and you will truly listen, they will find someone who will listen!  

Great skill is needed to draw out the deep things in your child’s heart.  Proverbs 20:5 states “The purposes of a man’s heart are deep waters, but a man of understanding draws them out.”  Unconditional love and acceptance are needed to create a safe place for your child to share the deep things of their heart.  You may be shocked or even grieved at what they are trying to share with you. However, if you remember you also are a sinner and your goal is to direct your child to the glorious gospel which provides a redeemer, you can love your child as God loves you.

Drawing out deep waters means learning how to ask good questions—then waiting long enough for an answer!
Ask questions that point to attitudes, feelings and thoughts.  “Help me to understand…”  “Could it be this…or that…or some other?”  Use a soothing voice and one filled with compassion and tenderness.  Choose the right moment to talk. Don’t try to multi-task and listen to your child.  Don’t press and try to elicit conversation if the child is tired or very upset.  This may be just the time to sit and be quiet and put a comforting hand on their arm or shoulder.  They may need to cry.  Boys also.  J Reassure your child that no matter what they share with you, you will love them and not abandon or reject them.

I encourage you to do a study as a family of the book of Proverbs.   Reading one proverb a day allows you to read the whole book in 31 days. Write down the verses that discuss any form of communication, the use of the tongue and the contrasts between wisdom and folly regarding communication.  Pray for one another for the grace of God to become a family who communicates! Perhaps husband and wife, you would like to do this for one month for the two of you.  J

Write me if you wish more information about how to improve your relationship with your children. 

The Centrality of the Gospel

The Centrality of the Gospel

Just prior to the story of the Good Samaritan, Jesus encountered a young man seeking to know how he might have eternal life. Luke chapter ten records the following conversation:
25 And a lawyer stood up and put Him to the test, saying, "Teacher, what shall I do to inherit eternal life?" 26 And He said to him, "What is written in the Law? How does it read to you?" 27 And he answered, "YOU SHALL LOVE THE LORD YOUR GOD WITH ALL YOUR HEART, AND WITH ALL YOUR SOUL, AND WITH ALL YOUR STRENGTH, AND WITH ALL YOUR MIND; AND YOUR NEIGHBOR AS YOURSELF." 28 And He said to him, "You have answered correctly; DO THIS AND YOU WILL LIVE." NASB.

None of us can ever fully obey this command.  This is why we always need the gospel.  To make sure we truly understand the relationship of the gospel and salvation, let’s look at some Scripture.  Check yourself to see if you are truly in the faith. 

Romans 1:16-17  NIV: “For I am not ashamed of the gospel, because it is the power of God for the salvation of everyone who believes…For in the gospel a righteousness from God is revealed, a righteousness that is by faith from first to last, just as it is written: ‘The righteous will live by faith.”
Salvation includes everything from the initial calling by grace, to justification, sanctification, to ultimate glorification.  The gospel is the only hope for forgiveness, the deep change of the heart that keeps us from self-righteousness, the only power to live a life that honors God.
Let’s review the main points of what we mean when we talk of the ‘gospel’.

1. Condition of Man: Since the rebellion of Adam and Eve against the rule of God over their lives, mankind is under the curse of sin.  Sin is a fatal disease –much worse than AIDS or cancer.. ”There is no one righteous, not even one; there is no one who understands, no one who seeks God.  All have turned away, they have together become worthless; there is no one who does good, not even one.” [Romans 3:10-12 NIV].  In case this is not bad enough, consider this : 1 As for you, you were dead in your transgressions and sins, 2 in which you used to live when you followed the ways of this world and of the ruler of the kingdom of the air, the spirit who is now at work in those who are disobedient. 3 All of us also lived among them at one time, gratifying the cravings of our sinful nature and following its desires and thoughts. Like the rest, we were by nature objects of wrath. [Ephesians 2:1-3 NIV] “The wages of sin is death.” [Romans 6:23 NIV]  Not only are we all sinners, we are dead sinners!

2.  God’s Nature: God is both righteous and holy.  We were created by and for God.  God is relational and this is His nature.  The creation of mankind is not the beginning of relationships.  Man was created in the image of God so we might share relationally first with God then with one another.  This means we need two things to escape the condemnation and death we so deserve. We need forgiveness of sins.  We need righteousness in place of unrighteousness.  We must realize that there is no way possible we can satisfy God in these matters by our own self efforts.  All of our righteousness is like filthy rags. Isaiah 64:6 says, “For all of us have become like one who is unclean, And all our righteous deeds are like a filthy garment;” NASB.  However, in His mercy and grace, God the Father determined from before the worlds were created that the Son of God, the Lamb of God, would be the satisfaction for the wrath of God against the sinfulness of humans.  All humans need a mediator, someone to stand between God and us..alike in our humanity, but sinless, in every way keeping the Law of God and obeying the will of the Father. This Son of God, Jesus, Emmanuel, lived righteously in our place, fulfilling God’s demand for perfect righteousness.  Jesus died an atoning death to fully satisfy God’s just wrath.  Jesus was a perfect or sinless substitute and also a willing substitute. Hebrews 10: 22 And according to the Law, one may almost say, all things are cleansed with blood, and without shedding of blood there is no forgiveness. NASB.

The gospel teaches that through faith in Jesus Christ we can be fully forgiven and made completely righteous.  Ephesians 2:8-9 states: “For by grace you have been saved through faith; and that not of yourselves, it is the gift of God; not as a result of works, so that no one may boast.” NASB.

“But now a righteousness from God, apart from law, has been made known, to which the Law and the Prophets testify. This righteousness from God comes through faith in Jesus Christ to all who believe. There is no difference, for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus. God presented him as a sacrifice of atonement, through faith in his blood.” Romans 3:21-25 NIV. “For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.” Romans 6:23 NASB.

The response to the gospel must be to trust in Jesus Christ by faith as the sole mediator of a new covenant of grace with God.  We must repent of our sins, coming under the authority of the Lordship of Jesus Christ who purchased our redemption by offering Himself a blood sacrifice unto God the Father. The great exchange happened as Christ Jesus died on the cross. His death for our life.  His robe of righteousness for the sin-stained garments of our own attempt to merit the favor of God.

Now that we know what the gospel is, how is the gospel essential to raising children to the glory of God?
Watch first this lesson from Paul Washer.

Family Catechism #1: Introduction to the Family Catechism Series from HeartCry Missionary Society on Vimeo.
If our method of discipline is on identifying how behavior has strayed or what corrections are needed, we miss the heart.  This approach focuses on what I do rather than on who I am.  Addressing the heart issues will change behavior, but in a way that remains!
Let’s explore a common issue..telling lies.

Parent: Dear, you know I am concerned that you lied to me.  Telling the truth builds trust. Without trust, relationships fall apart.  You understand?
Child: yes
Parent: Do you know what concerns me more? 

Child: no

Parent: You are like me.  We lie because we think telling a lie is better than telling the truth.  Sometimes we love ourselves more than we love God. So we tell lies. This is why Jesus came.  If the problem was just that we needed to know telling lies is bad, God could have sent a prophet.  However, our problem is in the heart and just knowing what we should do is not sufficient to cause us to do right.  We need a Savior who has the power to deliver us from our sins.

Child: Did you ever tell a lie? What did you do then?

Parent:  There are many ways to lie.  Sometimes we lie by making others think things about us that aren’t true.  We desire to be liked or admired, so we let others think things that aren’t really true. When I lie I need to confess my sin to God.  God says He will forgive my sins when I confess them.  Also I need to go to the person I lied to and ask their forgiveness.  I need to think about my heart. Who or what was I loving more than God when I lied? I must confess this also.  Dear child, I need God as much as you do everyday. I need God’s forgiveness and His power which changes my heart to love Him and others above myself and all other competing affections.

Every time you need to correct your child is an opportunity to share with him his need of forgiveness and grace.   Correction of outward behavior produces Pharisees, clean on the outside but full of dead men’s bones inside.
Next post, more on corrective discipline, grace and communication.

Biblical Goals of Parenting

Biblical Goals of Parenting

We know that we must be goal-directed.  If a person aims at nothing, this is what he hits.  Let’s explore the Biblical goals of parenting.  The Westminster Shorter Catechism states:

Q. What is the chief end of man?
A.  Man’s chief end is to glorify God and to enjoy him forever.

Is there any there any other goal that is truly worthy?  If we equip our children to use their abilities ,intelligence and gifts for any other purpose than to live out the gospel of Jesus Christ, then we are not parenting Biblically.  Americans live in a culture that has abandoned God.  Most churches are filled with people who aren’t converted.
The goal in Biblical parenting is to reach the heart, not just impact the behavior.  If you address only unacceptable behavior, you never encounter the cross.  The gospel is not a message about correcting bad behavior.  It is a message about being a new creature.  People are in need of a new heart, not a cosmetic change. God rejected the man who fasted twice a week but forgave the man who cried out for mercy.  Is God concerned with the method of child training? Yes. Example: Your two children are arguing and yelling at one another.  You can respond by yelling back at them and send them to their rooms.  You can promise the children a special treat if they simply be quiet so you can concentrate.  You can use shame and tell them how much you sacrifice to provide them nice things.  You can punish with withdrawal of privileges of a favorite toy or activity.  You can institute a long term do-these-good-deeds and in three months you will have a special treat. You can allow the sibling yelling and unkind ways to continue, rationalizing, they will outgrow this.    

What’s wrong with these methods? None of them deal with the root cause of the selfish attitudes and sinful anger and bitterness of the heart that causes quarrels.  Read James 4:1-3. “What is the source of quarrels and conflicts among you? Is not the source your pleasures that wage war in your members? You lust and do not have; so you commit murder. You are envious and cannot obtain; so you fight and quarrel. You do not have because you do not ask. You ask and do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, so that you may spend it on your pleasures.” NASB. 

Remember the goal is not simply to produce well-adjusted children; rather, children living under the Lordship of Jesus Christ, for the glory of God.  This is the only life worth living.

Two elements, woven together, are the Biblical methods needed to discipline, train and correct children.  These include proper communication and the use of the rod.

What does good communication look like? Your objective must be to understand your child, what goes on in them—their hopes, dreams, fears, concerns..the world from their perspective.  The goal in correction must be to understand the inner struggles in the heart, not to tell your children how you feel about what they have done or said.  Communication needs to be dialogue, not monologue. Drawing out the thoughts of others is the fine art of communication.   Proper questioning of your child is essential to reaching the inner parts of what’s going on in your child’s heart.

Let’s look at an example.
Your son has just hit his sister.  What does Biblical correction look like?

Begin with appropriate questions.  Learn to discard the “why” type questions and use instead “what” type questions.  Here is what I mean.
Why questions: (no one, even adults like this approach).

Q. Why did you hit your sister?

A.  I don’t know.
It is possible that this child cannot answer this question being asked in this way. 
Consider this way to examine your child’s actions.
1. What were you feeling when you hit your sister? 

2. What did your sister do? 

3.  Help me understand how hitting her helped to make things better? 

4. What was the problem with what she was doing? (You may realize that her behavior was sinful.  This is not the issue now.) 

5.  In what other ways could you have responded? 

6. How do you think your response reflected your trust or lack of trust in God’s ability to protect and care for you?
You will need to work through these four areas.   

1.  the nature of the temptation 

2. possible responses to this temptation 

3. the motives for those responses 

4. the sinful response chosen.   

     As God’s agent of correction, you  are called to exercise discipline and correction, but with the attitude that you --as your child-- are a sinner who may also struggle with temptation of anger toward others.  Remember, the goal is to help your child identify the root of the sin in his heart, understand his need of Christ’s grace and redemption, repent and find forgiveness from Christ Jesus.

Next post we will investigate what types of communication are helpful.

Who's in Charge?

Who’s in Charge?

There is much confusion regarding the topic of ‘authority’.  Our culture dislikes being under authority but also dislikes the responsibility to exercise authority. Today we discuss the Bible’s instruction to parents concerning who is in charge in the home.
Should parents exercise the role of authority because they are smarter, more experienced? Do we rule on the basis of absolutes and principles of wisdom from the Bible or on the basis of the situation? 
Our culture rebels against the idea that rational, thinking, intelligent humans should willingly put themselves under the authority of another person.  We mistakenly believe that freedom is found in autonomy or self-rule.  However, true freedom is found in obedience.
Psalm 119 verses 44 to 45 states: “I will keep on obeying your instructions forever and ever I will walk in freedom, for I have devoted myself to your commandments.”

The Bible teaches that parents are called to be the agents of God to care for, nurture, correct and discipline children according to what pleases God.
Look with me at these Scriptures. In Genesis 18 verse 19 A, God instructs Abraham.. “For I have chosen him, so that he may command his children and his household after him to keep the way of the LORD by doing righteousness and justice,”
We see this does not allow Abraham to choose his own plan for how to raise his children. Abraham is to bring up his children in the fear and the admonition of the LORD. Look now at Deuteronomy chapter six verses one, two and seven.  "Now this is the commandment, the statutes and the judgments which the LORD your God has commanded me to teach you, that you might do them in the land where you are going over to possess it, so that you and your son and your grandson might fear the LORD your God, to keep all His statutes and His commandments which I command you, all the days of your life, and that your days may be prolonged.  "You shall teach them diligently to your sons and shall talk of them when you sit in your house and when you walk by the way and when you lie down and when you rise up.

Last we consider Ephesians chapter six verse four; Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.

Thus, the parent and the child are BOTH under God’s authority. We have different roles, but the same Master. What does this look like?  If you as a parent discipline your child in unholy anger, angry because you are not getting what you want from your child, you need to ask forgiveness.

There is no place for anger in discipline.  The Apostle James makes this very clear.  James 1:19-20 says, 

This you know, my beloved brethren. But everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger; for the anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of God.

Behavior changes as a result of parental anger do NOT move a child in the direction of God.  Rather, the child moves in the direction of the heart idolatry of the fear of man.

When a child disobeys you, it is God he disobeys. When a child fails to honor his parents, it is God he fails to honor.  If your child needs the correction of a spanking, you, as the father, communicate that the reason you must spank is that this is your act of obedience to God.  You are not spanking because you are angry, mean, or wish he had never been born.  You are not in a contest of wills to see who is the strongest.  You are under God’s authority.

The child learns to accept correction, not from perfect parents, but with the understanding that God says the rod of correction imparts wisdom and whoever heeds correction shows prudence. Read Proverbs 15 verse 5 and chapter 29 verse 15.  A good verse for all of us is Proverbs 15 verse 32. “He who neglects discipline despises himself, But he who listens to reproof acquires understanding.”

Let’s explore this word “discipline”.  We want to make it clear this is not revenge or punishment.  Discipline is an expression of LOVE.  Look at these Scriptures.  Proverbs 3 verse 12, “…the LORD disciplines those He loves , as a father the son He delights in.” Proverbs 13 verse 24, “He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is careful to discipline him”  Revelation 3 verse 19, “Those whom I love, I rebuke and discipline.”  And of course in Hebrews 12 we see the goal of discipline.

“You have not yet resisted to the point of shedding blood in your striving against sin; and you have forgotten the exhortation which is addressed to you as sons,

"MY SON, DO NOT REGARD LIGHTLY THE DISCIPLINE OF THE LORD,

NOR FAINT WHEN YOU ARE REPROVED BY HIM;

FOR THOSE WHOM THE LORD LOVES HE DISCIPLINES,

AND HE SCOURGES EVERY SON WHOM HE RECEIVES."

It is for discipline that you endure; God deals with you as with sons; for what son is there whom his father does not discipline? But if you are without discipline, of which all have become partakers, then you are illegitimate children and not sons. Furthermore, we had earthly fathers to discipline us, and we respected them; shall we not much rather be subject to the Father of spirits, and live? For they disciplined us for a short time as seemed best to them, but He disciplines usour good, so that we may share His holiness. All discipline for the moment seems not to be joyful, but sorrowful; yet to those who have been trained by it, afterwards it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness.” [verses four through eleven].

This type of discipline requires us to be very humble.  We must see ourselves, sinners as we are, as God’s agents to bring about circumstances whereby a child eventually glorifies God by submitting to the Father in deep contrition and repentance of heart, acknowledging the need for the cleansing power found only in the shed blood of Jesus Christ.

The issues of correction are issues of character needed to truly honor God.  God is not impressed or pleased with those who honor with their lips but the heart is far from God.  Godly discipline will move you toward your child, not against them.  Yes, there must be consequences for wrong behavior, but the following is NOT appropriate as a form of discipline.

·       Telling your child, I am fed up with you.  I will yell at you, hit you or otherwise make sure you never forget this incident.

·       Shaming your child with verbal comments of the child’s stupidity or worthlessness

·       Isolation of the child insisting the child sit there until he figures out what he did wrong

·       Negative comparison of the child with a sibling or relative or even yourself,

Next post we will consider what are appropriate parental goals as revealed in the Bible.

Shaping influences in the Child's Life

Shaping Influences in the Child’s Life

Let’s look at two passages of Scripture that show the relationship of child to parent.  Ephesians chapter 6 verses one through four tell us, “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.  HONOR YOUR FATHER AND MOTHER (which is the first commandment with a promise), SO THAT IT MAY BE WELL WITH YOU, AND THAT YOU MAY LIVE LONG ON THE EARTH.  Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” Colossians 3 verses 20 and 21 say, “Children, be obedient to your parents in all things, for this is well-pleasing to the Lord. Fathers, do not exasperate your children, so that they will not lose heart.”
Both passages show that children can expect to receive parental direction regarding how to understand and obey what pleases God.  This instruction needs to occur in such a way that the child doesn’t rebel in hopeless despair believing that obedience and honoring God and parents is much too difficult.

Tedd Tripp identifies six shaping influences or life experiences of your child.  The person your child becomes is the product of these life experiences and how he interacts with those experiences.  A child responds according to the Godward orientation of his heart.  So you can see why the heart is very important.
Let’s look first at the shaping influences.

1. What is the nature of structure of the family?  Single parent? Divorced parents? Grandparents part of daily life? Are they believers or unconverted? If a father in the home, is he the one who is the final authority? Only child? Birth order? Personality of the child and how the child relates to siblings? The birth order of the parents and if either is an only child?

2.  Family values. Are the values of your home based on human tradition and the surrounding culture or on what the Bible teaches?  Are people more important than things?  Is a child disciplined more severely for breaking a cherished vase or for willful disobedience?  What is the relationship with neighbors?  Open or closed?  Blood relatives of the family? Do mother and the children keep secrets from daddy? Or vice versa?

3.  Family Roles.  How involved is the father in the home? If the children ask permission to do something, do they go to dad or mom? Do the children have regular responsibilities in the family?  Are they treated like slaves?  Are they spoiled and treated like emperors? Are boys preferred to girls? Do they learn by working alongside the other family members [including the parents] how to become a servant?

4. Family Conflict Resolution.  Do parents resolve conflict between themselves Biblically? Or do they just hope things will quiet down and avoid asking forgiveness and proper reconciliation? Do they use the dozen roses or candy or nice dinner approach?  Do either or both parents use anger to attempt to control things?  What about name calling? Slammed doors? Physical violence?  Abusive speech? The silent treatment? Words that belittle or condemn?

5. Family response to failure.  Children are awkward and immature.  Some things are learned only by first failing to master the skill.  When failure occurs, are children made to feel foolish? Mocked? A source of amusement and cruel laughter?  Is one child compared to another in the family who ‘always succeeded’? Does the child have the idea that they can NEVER please the parent, no matter how well they do?

Or does the parent offer words of encouragement, praise for all credible attempts to master something difficult, a story of when the parent struggled to succeed? In other words, are parents relational in a positive and encouraging way to motivate the child to persevere?

6. Family History.  When a man and a woman marry, they bring into the new family a blend of two very different histories. Consider the following; how many times did you move as a child? What was the stability of the family? Did you grow up with dire poverty and not enough food for each person? Was a family member sickly with a chronic disease? If so, how was this child treated? Were there many deaths in the family? Divorces? Alcohol or drug abuse? Gambling or other addictive behavior? Constant quarreling between the parents?

As a parent, you must provide the best shaping influences you can by the grace of God. However, your child is not passive.  If your child knows and loves God, he will respond in a positive way to your shaping efforts.  Your children’s heart determines how he will respond to your parenting.

Next we consider the way in which your child responds to the structure you provide to help shepherd his heart.
Look with me at Proverbs 9 verses seven through ten.

“He who corrects a scoffer gets dishonor for himself, And he who reproves a wicked man gets insults for himself. Do not reprove a scoffer, or he will hate you, Reprove a wise man and he will love you. Give instruction to a wise man and he will be still wiser, Teach a righteous man and he will increase his learning. The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom, And the knowledge of the Holy One is understanding.”

It is the fear of the LORD that determines how one responds to correction.  At heart all people are religious. We are worshipers. Romans 1 verses 18 and 19 state this;

“For the wrath of God is revealed from heaven against all ungodliness and unrighteousness of men who suppress the truth in unrighteousness, because that which is known about God is evident within them; for God made it evident to them.”

Your children either respond to God by faith or they suppress the truth in unrighteousness. Faith enables us to know God and to know and enjoy a life of love, service and worship of God.  Suppression of the truth causes one to worship the creation and not the Creator and one becomes an idolater, bowing before things which cannot satisfy. Psalm 58 verse 3 says that even from birth the wicked go astray, displaying wayward behavior and speaking lies.  Children are NOT born morally neutral.  The Bible teaches that man sins because by nature he is a sinner. The Bible teaches that something is wrong in the heart of the child that requires correction.  Notice Proverbs 22 verse 15; “Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child; The rod of discipline will remove it far from him.”

What are the idols of a child? These are not statues of stone or wood, rather, they are the idols of the heart such as fear of man, evil desires, lusts, pride, conformity to the world, setting affections on the things below [earthly things].  They include any motives, desires, wants, goals, hopes and expectations that rule your child’s heart. They don’t have to be expressed outwardly to be present inwardly. However, behavior will reflect these idols at some point in the child’s life.

So parenting is NOT just providing good input such as a constructive home environment and positive interaction between the parent and child.  Part of the parent’s task is to shepherd the child as a child who is a worshiper—pointing the child to the One Who alone is worthy of worship.  Your child WILL worship; the question is Whom will he worship?

As important as providing a safe place and a stable home environment, we must address the issues of the heart. Selfishness and rebellion against authority are never outgrown because they are idolatry of the heart and not immaturity.

Next time we will consider how the parent functions as God’s agent. What is the role of discipline and correction?  

The Heart of Human Behavior

We as women bear children. Children are the gift of God.  Parents are charged to train up the child in the way the child should go.  Every parent knows that the behavior of a child soon displays unpleasant actions.  No one has to teach a child to tell a lie!

Today we will consider the behavior of a child.  Does the child display bad behavior as a result of external influences or from inside the heart of the child?  What does the Holy Bible teach?

Look with me at Proverbs 4 verse 23.  ”Watch over your heart with all diligence, For from it flow the springs of life.”  Consider also the words of Jesus found in Mark 7 verses 20 through 23.  “And He was saying, "That which proceeds out of the man, that is what defiles the man.  For from within, out of the heart of men, proceed the evil thoughts, fornications, thefts, murders, adulteries, deeds of coveting and wickedness, as well as deceit, sensuality, envy, slander, pride and foolishness.  All these evil things proceed from within and defile the man." Also consider Luke 6 verse 45. “The good man out of the good treasure of his heart brings forth what is good; and the evil man out of the evil treasure brings forth what is evil; for his mouth speaks from that which fills his heart.”

  We read in James 4 verses one through three.  “What is the source of quarrels and conflicts among you? Is not the source your pleasures that wage war in your members?  You lust and do not have; so you commit murder. You are envious and cannot obtain; so you fight and quarrel. You do not have because you do not ask.  You ask and do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, so that you may spend it on your pleasures.”

Contrary to much popular teaching, environmental factors do not produce the evil and wrong actions.  Rather, the issue is the heart from conception.  Psalm 51 verse 5 contains David’s confession of his sin. “Behold, I was brought forth in iniquity, And in sin my mother conceived me.”

We will be sharing truths from the book, Shepherding A Child’s Heart, by Tedd Tripp. 

The basic issue is never simply the external behavior.  We must look at the heart issues underlying unacceptable behavior.  Parents must discipline their children by asking the questions needed to help the child identify the attitude of the heart that has resulted in the wrong behavior.

All behavior is linked to attitudes of the heart. Therefore discipline must speak to the heart attitudes.

Here is a common example of wrong behavior.  Your home has two or more children.  A fight starts over a particular toy or possession of one child.  Generally, the parent asks: Who had it first?  This question misses the heart issue.  Justice will rule in favor of who had it first.  However, at the heart level, BOTH children are displaying selfishness.  I don’t care about your happiness.  I want what I want.  I will put my happiness as more important than yours.

As parents we need to learn how to help the child to see his or her sin, to see the need of a new heart which comes only as one sees the need for a Savior.  We point the child to the cross and the gospel which is the power of salvation. 

Let’s begin to look to the Scriptures regarding these two issues that affect our children:
1. The child’s relationship to the shaping influences in his life.

2.  The child’s relationship to God.

The Garment of Praise for the Spirit of Heaviness

The Garment of Praise for the spirit of Heaviness

Welcome to Voice of Gospel Radio.  Sister Wen Wen welcomes you for a message about the home.  Today we talk about another important article of clothing for a woman of beauty.  Our text is from Isaiah chapter 61 verses 1 through 3.  This was quoted by Jesus also and is found in Luke 4, verses 16 through 21.
In another broadcast we talked about the garments of salvation and the robes of righteousness.  This clothing is necessary before a woman is clothed with the garment of praise. If you are not sure if you are wearing the robe of righteousness and the garment of salvation, please comment to sister Wen Wen or put comment on the blog.  Thank you!

The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me,
   because the LORD has anointed me
   to proclaim good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
   to proclaim freedom for the captives
   and release from darkness for the prisoners,
 to proclaim the year of the LORD’s favor
   and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,
  and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
   instead of ashes,
the oil of joy
   instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
   instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
   a planting of the LORD
   for the display of his splendor.

Isaiah 61:1-3 NIV

Who speaks these words? To whom? What is the message? What will be the results of this message?

Before we answer these questions, please ask yourself this question.

 

Am I known as a woman who is full of joy and who speaks words of praise?  Or am I filled with fears, complaining, hopeless despair and mostly negative comments about my circumstances or the people with whom I live? If you don’t know, ask your husband, your children or your close friend who always tells you the truth!

Now study the words of Jesus in Luke’s gospel. Luke 4:16-21 NIV.

He went to Nazareth, where he had been brought up, and on the Sabbath day he went into the synagogue, as was his custom. And he stood up to read. The scroll of the prophet Isaiah was handed to him. Unrolling it, he found the place where it is written:

 “The Spirit of the Lord is on me,

because he has anointed me

to preach good news to the poor.

He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners

and recovery of sight for the blind,

to release the oppressed,

 to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor.”

 Then he rolled up the scroll, gave it back to the attendant and sat down. The eyes of everyone in the synagogue were fastened on him, and he began by saying to them, “Today this scripture is fulfilled in your hearing.”

We see from Luke that it is Jesus who speaks these words.  Jesus is both a preacher and a physician as well as a liberator.  Jesus can give comfort.  The words are spoken for all who mourn as the children of God.  What is the message?

Beauty for ashes; the oil of joy for mourning;

the  garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness.

Notice the text doesn’t say, the spirit of praise for the spirit of heaviness.

A garment is external and visible, pointing to an inward and profound change of heart, wrought by the infinite mercy of God through Jesus Christ, Who alone procured for us the previous garment of salvation and the robe of righteousness.
But notice that the promise of beauty, joy and praise is for those who mourn.  What do we mean mourn?  Mourning begins with a lamentation over past sin.  Although grace covers all of our sin, this side of heaven, we never lose the awareness of the awfulness of our evil rebellion and enmity toward a Holy, good and generous Redeemer.   The true heart also mourns over present imperfections.  Here it is very helpful to have a close friend who will help you see the ‘blind spots’ we all have in relation to our own sins and shortcomings to honor God as God.

“To mourn after more holiness is a sign of holiness, to mourn after greater conformity to the image of Christ proves that we are already in a measure conformed thereunto; to sigh after more complete subordination of our entire life to the will of God is a mourning for which Jesus Christ will bring rich comfort.” Charles Spurgeon, Sermon 1016.

The Christian mourner is saddened that he cannot be more continually in communion with God.  Have you known the oneness with the Father and the Son of which Jesus prayed in John 17? 

“I am in them and you are in me. May they experience such perfect unity that the world will know that you sent me and that you love them as much as you love me.” John 17:23 NLT.
Do you experience true grief when you grieve the Holy Spirit and lose that sweet communion with the God Who suffered a cruel death for you that you might have restored fellowship with the One Who is Love incarnate?

Do you mourn because you cannot be more useful in the work of the Kingdom?  Have you so filled your days with frivolous activities and vain pursuits that you have no time for the closet of prayer, the study of the Word of God, the cup of cold water given in Jesus’ name?
Do you mourn most of all for the unconverted?  Do you consider the preaching of the gospel the sole responsibility of the pastor, elder or some professional clergy person?  If so, dear friend, you have an unbiblical view of the true believer in Jesus Christ.

The promise to the true mourner begins with "To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes." God appoints and He gives.  He bestows or appoints that which He best deems fitting for the occasion of our condition of heaviness of spirit.  What a loving God! His grace is able to once again tune your heart strings to play the chords of His melodious songs of joy. The beauty that replaces the ashes of grief is displayed as a visible beauty put upon those who they have found peace in Jesus Christ.  However this beauty is far lovelier and striking than mere physical beauty, because it is a beauty of the soul, an unfading loveliness; a spiritual luster, which far outshines and outlasts the comeliness of the flesh. The source of this beauty is solely the grace of God and is in no way merited by our good deeds.

Next, the oil of joy is bestowed upon the mourner.  Oil represents the Holy Spirit. The Holy Spirit is the Comforter.  As such, He takes of the things of God and reveals them unto us.  Anointing equips us to minister in the unction or power of the Holy Spirit.
The garment of praise you won’t be able to keep to yourself! Those things pertaining to your redemption from sin will be expressed in your praises.  What is the purpose of all of this work of grace?  That you might be called 

 oaks of righteousness,
   a planting of the LORD
   for the display of his splendor

Life dear reader is NOT about you.. it is about God. When others see you, do they marvel at your cheerful disposition? Do they see that even in great affliction of mind, body, or soul,  your spirit rejoices and God, your Saviour is glorified? Are these the thoughts you meditate on day and night?
Read with me these thoughts written by Charles Spurgeon in his sermon “Beauty for Ashes”
“Come, my brethren and sisters, are any of you down; are you almost beneath the enemy's foot? Here is a word for you, "Rejoice not over me, O mine enemy, though I fall yet shall I rise again." Are any of you in deep trouble—very deep trouble? Another word then for you; "When thou passeth through the waters, I will be with thee, and through the rivers, they shall not overflow thee: when thou walkest through the fire, thou shalt not be burned; neither shall the flame kindle upon thee." Are you pressed with labors and afflictions? "As thy days so shall thy strength be," "All things work together for good to them that love God, to them that are the called according to his purpose." Are you persecuted? Here is a note of encouragement for you: "Blessed are ye, when men shall revile you, and persecute you, and shall say all manner of evil against you falsely, for my sake. Rejoice, and be exceeding glad; for great is your reward in heaven: for so persecuted they the prophets which were before you." Whatever your circumstances are, "Rejoice in the Lord always, and again I say rejoice." Think what Jesus has given you, your sins are pardoned for his name sake, your heaven is made secure to you, and all that is wanted to bring you there; you have grace in your hearts, and glory awaits you; you have already grace within you, and greater grace shall be granted you; you are renewed by the Spirit of Christ in your inner man the good work is begun, and God will never leave it till he has finished it; your names are in his book, nay, graven on the palms of his hands; his love never changes, his power never diminishes, his grace never fails, his truth is firm as the hills, and his faithfulness is like the great mountains. Lean on the love of his heart, on the might of his arm, on the merit of his blood, on the power of his plea, and the indwelling of his Spirit. Take such promises as these for your consolation, "Strengthen ye the weak hands, and confirm the feeble knees. Say to them that are of a fearful heart, be strong, fear not." "Fear not, thou worm Jacob, and ye men of Israel; I will help thee, saith the Lord, and thy Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel." "For a small moment have I forsaken thee; but with great mercies will I gather thee. In a little wrath I hid my face from thee for a moment; but with everlasting kindness will I have mercy on thee, saith the Lord thy Redeemer. For this is as the waters of Noah unto me: for as I have sworn that the waters of Noah should no more go over the earth; so have I sworn that I would not be wroth with thee, nor rebuke thee. For the mountains shall depart, and the hills be removed; but my kindness shall not depart from thee, neither shall the covenant of my peace be removed, saith the Lord that hath mercy on thee." "My grace is sufficient for thee, for my strength is made perfect in weakness." "He giveth power to the faint; and to them that have no might he increaseth strength." "The eternal God is thy refuge, and underneath are the everlasting arms: and he shall thrust out the enemy from before thee; and shall say, destroy them." "I am God, I fail not, therefore ye sons of Jacob are not consumed." One might continue for ever quoting these precious passages, but may the Lord apply one or other of them to every mourner's soul; and, especially if there be a mourning sinner here, may he get a grip of that choice word, "Him that cometh to me I will in no wise cast out;" or, that other grand sentence, "All manner of sin and blasphemy shall be forgiven unto men;" or, that other, "The blood of Jesus Christ, his Son, cleanseth us from all sin:" or, that equally encouraging word, "Come now, and let us reason together; though your sins be as scarlet they shall be as wool, though they be red like crimson they shall be as snow." The Lord bring us all into comfort and joy by the way of the cross.”