Communication and the Wisdom Literature

We have been considering the goals of parents as God’s appointed caregivers or shepherds over the children God has entrusted to us. 

Today we will discuss God’s design for communication and how our beliefs about how to raise children will determine our communication methods.

Harsh words, yelling, scolding, the lecture method, and belittling are all associated with behavioral management which we already determined is not compatible with goals of parental nurture and discipleship. 

If our lives as parents are characterized by a vibrant faith and joyful confidence in God, our communication will exhibit these qualities: restraint, pleasant words and understanding.  I am sure there are other qualities, but today we consider these three.

RESTRAINT
Proverbs 17:27 says “A man of knowledge uses words with restraint, and a man of understanding is even-tempered.” Yes, our speech can be honest and yet must be seasoned with much grace to the hearer. We are not to speak ‘our mind’ or to ‘tell it like it is’. Speech that builds up and nurtures is neither impetuous nor thoughtless. Ecclesiastes 9:17 reminds us that quiet words carry a power that shouting or screaming words lack. “The quiet words of the wise are more to be heeded than the shouts of a ruler of fools.” Shouting trivializes words.

Restrained speech chooses the words carefully and keeps the message succinct.  Ecclesiastes 6:11 reminds us: “The more the words, the less the meaning, and how does that profit anyone?” Another warning about long conversations, Proverbs 10:19, “When words are many, sin is not absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise.”

Restrained speech thinks first, and then speaks.  “The heart of the righteous weighs its answers, but the mouth of the wicked gushes evil.” Proverbs 15:28. A word spoken can never be retracted.  This alone should cause us to put a guard over our mouth and to weigh carefully not only what we wish to communicate, but also the timing and the heart attitude we have in speaking of this matter. Two more Proverbs instruct us in wisdom.  “Do you see a man who speaks in haste? There is more hope for a fool than for him.” Proverbs 29:20.  “A man finds joy in giving an apt reply—and how good is a timely word.” Proverbs 15:23.

PLEASANT WORDS

Pleasant words are not a communication technique—they flow from the fear of the Lord. Proverbs 16:21 tells us, “The wise in heart are called discerning, and pleasant words promote instruction.” Another place we read “A wise man’s heart guides his mouth, and his lips promote instruction. Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.” Proverbs 16: 23,24. You cannot simply vent your displeasure with your child if you wish to promote instruction.  Frightening a child into submission by your rage and anger doesn’t mean they are listening to you.  Instead you have coerced your child into a cringing submission.  Verbal berating of your child identifies the parent as the fool of Proverbs 15:2. “The tongue of the wise commends knowledge, but the mouth of the fool gushes folly.” Grace is God giving us what we don’t deserve.  God gives the gift of forgiveness and everlasting life to people who deserve his condemnation. Ecclesiastes 10:12 says “Words from a wise man’s mouth are gracious.” We should give the same attention to our words as a jeweler does to design a lovely setting for a precious gemstone.  Proverbs 25:11 alludes to this.  “A word aptly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver.”  Pleasant words nourish the soul just as good food the body.  Proverbs 10:21 teaches “The lips of the righteous nourish many, but fools die for lack of judgment.” Your words need to be as a fountain of life-giving, pleasant waters.

I think that a good way to evaluate your words used with your children would include asking yourself if you would use these words with your colleagues, your contemporaries, your neighbors?

UNDERSTANDING

What is the goal of good communication? Many think communication is the ability to formulate ideas into words.  However, the ability to understand the person with whom one speaks is the highest form of communication.  Proverbs 18:2 says “A fool finds no pleasure in understanding but delights in airing his own opinions.”  How often do you begin a ‘conversation’ with your child that has no intention of listening to hear his heart?  Do you remember with regret some conversations after reading Proverbs 18:13? “He who answers before listening—that is his folly and his shame.”

If your child cannot talk to you and you will truly listen, they will find someone who will listen!  

Great skill is needed to draw out the deep things in your child’s heart.  Proverbs 20:5 states “The purposes of a man’s heart are deep waters, but a man of understanding draws them out.”  Unconditional love and acceptance are needed to create a safe place for your child to share the deep things of their heart.  You may be shocked or even grieved at what they are trying to share with you. However, if you remember you also are a sinner and your goal is to direct your child to the glorious gospel which provides a redeemer, you can love your child as God loves you.

Drawing out deep waters means learning how to ask good questions—then waiting long enough for an answer!
Ask questions that point to attitudes, feelings and thoughts.  “Help me to understand…”  “Could it be this…or that…or some other?”  Use a soothing voice and one filled with compassion and tenderness.  Choose the right moment to talk. Don’t try to multi-task and listen to your child.  Don’t press and try to elicit conversation if the child is tired or very upset.  This may be just the time to sit and be quiet and put a comforting hand on their arm or shoulder.  They may need to cry.  Boys also.  J Reassure your child that no matter what they share with you, you will love them and not abandon or reject them.

I encourage you to do a study as a family of the book of Proverbs.   Reading one proverb a day allows you to read the whole book in 31 days. Write down the verses that discuss any form of communication, the use of the tongue and the contrasts between wisdom and folly regarding communication.  Pray for one another for the grace of God to become a family who communicates! Perhaps husband and wife, you would like to do this for one month for the two of you.  J

Write me if you wish more information about how to improve your relationship with your children. 

The Centrality of the Gospel

The Centrality of the Gospel

Just prior to the story of the Good Samaritan, Jesus encountered a young man seeking to know how he might have eternal life. Luke chapter ten records the following conversation:
25 And a lawyer stood up and put Him to the test, saying, "Teacher, what shall I do to inherit eternal life?" 26 And He said to him, "What is written in the Law? How does it read to you?" 27 And he answered, "YOU SHALL LOVE THE LORD YOUR GOD WITH ALL YOUR HEART, AND WITH ALL YOUR SOUL, AND WITH ALL YOUR STRENGTH, AND WITH ALL YOUR MIND; AND YOUR NEIGHBOR AS YOURSELF." 28 And He said to him, "You have answered correctly; DO THIS AND YOU WILL LIVE." NASB.

None of us can ever fully obey this command.  This is why we always need the gospel.  To make sure we truly understand the relationship of the gospel and salvation, let’s look at some Scripture.  Check yourself to see if you are truly in the faith. 

Romans 1:16-17  NIV: “For I am not ashamed of the gospel, because it is the power of God for the salvation of everyone who believes…For in the gospel a righteousness from God is revealed, a righteousness that is by faith from first to last, just as it is written: ‘The righteous will live by faith.”
Salvation includes everything from the initial calling by grace, to justification, sanctification, to ultimate glorification.  The gospel is the only hope for forgiveness, the deep change of the heart that keeps us from self-righteousness, the only power to live a life that honors God.
Let’s review the main points of what we mean when we talk of the ‘gospel’.

1. Condition of Man: Since the rebellion of Adam and Eve against the rule of God over their lives, mankind is under the curse of sin.  Sin is a fatal disease –much worse than AIDS or cancer.. ”There is no one righteous, not even one; there is no one who understands, no one who seeks God.  All have turned away, they have together become worthless; there is no one who does good, not even one.” [Romans 3:10-12 NIV].  In case this is not bad enough, consider this : 1 As for you, you were dead in your transgressions and sins, 2 in which you used to live when you followed the ways of this world and of the ruler of the kingdom of the air, the spirit who is now at work in those who are disobedient. 3 All of us also lived among them at one time, gratifying the cravings of our sinful nature and following its desires and thoughts. Like the rest, we were by nature objects of wrath. [Ephesians 2:1-3 NIV] “The wages of sin is death.” [Romans 6:23 NIV]  Not only are we all sinners, we are dead sinners!

2.  God’s Nature: God is both righteous and holy.  We were created by and for God.  God is relational and this is His nature.  The creation of mankind is not the beginning of relationships.  Man was created in the image of God so we might share relationally first with God then with one another.  This means we need two things to escape the condemnation and death we so deserve. We need forgiveness of sins.  We need righteousness in place of unrighteousness.  We must realize that there is no way possible we can satisfy God in these matters by our own self efforts.  All of our righteousness is like filthy rags. Isaiah 64:6 says, “For all of us have become like one who is unclean, And all our righteous deeds are like a filthy garment;” NASB.  However, in His mercy and grace, God the Father determined from before the worlds were created that the Son of God, the Lamb of God, would be the satisfaction for the wrath of God against the sinfulness of humans.  All humans need a mediator, someone to stand between God and us..alike in our humanity, but sinless, in every way keeping the Law of God and obeying the will of the Father. This Son of God, Jesus, Emmanuel, lived righteously in our place, fulfilling God’s demand for perfect righteousness.  Jesus died an atoning death to fully satisfy God’s just wrath.  Jesus was a perfect or sinless substitute and also a willing substitute. Hebrews 10: 22 And according to the Law, one may almost say, all things are cleansed with blood, and without shedding of blood there is no forgiveness. NASB.

The gospel teaches that through faith in Jesus Christ we can be fully forgiven and made completely righteous.  Ephesians 2:8-9 states: “For by grace you have been saved through faith; and that not of yourselves, it is the gift of God; not as a result of works, so that no one may boast.” NASB.

“But now a righteousness from God, apart from law, has been made known, to which the Law and the Prophets testify. This righteousness from God comes through faith in Jesus Christ to all who believe. There is no difference, for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus. God presented him as a sacrifice of atonement, through faith in his blood.” Romans 3:21-25 NIV. “For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.” Romans 6:23 NASB.

The response to the gospel must be to trust in Jesus Christ by faith as the sole mediator of a new covenant of grace with God.  We must repent of our sins, coming under the authority of the Lordship of Jesus Christ who purchased our redemption by offering Himself a blood sacrifice unto God the Father. The great exchange happened as Christ Jesus died on the cross. His death for our life.  His robe of righteousness for the sin-stained garments of our own attempt to merit the favor of God.

Now that we know what the gospel is, how is the gospel essential to raising children to the glory of God?
Watch first this lesson from Paul Washer.

Family Catechism #1: Introduction to the Family Catechism Series from HeartCry Missionary Society on Vimeo.
If our method of discipline is on identifying how behavior has strayed or what corrections are needed, we miss the heart.  This approach focuses on what I do rather than on who I am.  Addressing the heart issues will change behavior, but in a way that remains!
Let’s explore a common issue..telling lies.

Parent: Dear, you know I am concerned that you lied to me.  Telling the truth builds trust. Without trust, relationships fall apart.  You understand?
Child: yes
Parent: Do you know what concerns me more? 

Child: no

Parent: You are like me.  We lie because we think telling a lie is better than telling the truth.  Sometimes we love ourselves more than we love God. So we tell lies. This is why Jesus came.  If the problem was just that we needed to know telling lies is bad, God could have sent a prophet.  However, our problem is in the heart and just knowing what we should do is not sufficient to cause us to do right.  We need a Savior who has the power to deliver us from our sins.

Child: Did you ever tell a lie? What did you do then?

Parent:  There are many ways to lie.  Sometimes we lie by making others think things about us that aren’t true.  We desire to be liked or admired, so we let others think things that aren’t really true. When I lie I need to confess my sin to God.  God says He will forgive my sins when I confess them.  Also I need to go to the person I lied to and ask their forgiveness.  I need to think about my heart. Who or what was I loving more than God when I lied? I must confess this also.  Dear child, I need God as much as you do everyday. I need God’s forgiveness and His power which changes my heart to love Him and others above myself and all other competing affections.

Every time you need to correct your child is an opportunity to share with him his need of forgiveness and grace.   Correction of outward behavior produces Pharisees, clean on the outside but full of dead men’s bones inside.
Next post, more on corrective discipline, grace and communication.

Biblical Goals of Parenting

Biblical Goals of Parenting

We know that we must be goal-directed.  If a person aims at nothing, this is what he hits.  Let’s explore the Biblical goals of parenting.  The Westminster Shorter Catechism states:

Q. What is the chief end of man?
A.  Man’s chief end is to glorify God and to enjoy him forever.

Is there any there any other goal that is truly worthy?  If we equip our children to use their abilities ,intelligence and gifts for any other purpose than to live out the gospel of Jesus Christ, then we are not parenting Biblically.  Americans live in a culture that has abandoned God.  Most churches are filled with people who aren’t converted.
The goal in Biblical parenting is to reach the heart, not just impact the behavior.  If you address only unacceptable behavior, you never encounter the cross.  The gospel is not a message about correcting bad behavior.  It is a message about being a new creature.  People are in need of a new heart, not a cosmetic change. God rejected the man who fasted twice a week but forgave the man who cried out for mercy.  Is God concerned with the method of child training? Yes. Example: Your two children are arguing and yelling at one another.  You can respond by yelling back at them and send them to their rooms.  You can promise the children a special treat if they simply be quiet so you can concentrate.  You can use shame and tell them how much you sacrifice to provide them nice things.  You can punish with withdrawal of privileges of a favorite toy or activity.  You can institute a long term do-these-good-deeds and in three months you will have a special treat. You can allow the sibling yelling and unkind ways to continue, rationalizing, they will outgrow this.    

What’s wrong with these methods? None of them deal with the root cause of the selfish attitudes and sinful anger and bitterness of the heart that causes quarrels.  Read James 4:1-3. “What is the source of quarrels and conflicts among you? Is not the source your pleasures that wage war in your members? You lust and do not have; so you commit murder. You are envious and cannot obtain; so you fight and quarrel. You do not have because you do not ask. You ask and do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, so that you may spend it on your pleasures.” NASB. 

Remember the goal is not simply to produce well-adjusted children; rather, children living under the Lordship of Jesus Christ, for the glory of God.  This is the only life worth living.

Two elements, woven together, are the Biblical methods needed to discipline, train and correct children.  These include proper communication and the use of the rod.

What does good communication look like? Your objective must be to understand your child, what goes on in them—their hopes, dreams, fears, concerns..the world from their perspective.  The goal in correction must be to understand the inner struggles in the heart, not to tell your children how you feel about what they have done or said.  Communication needs to be dialogue, not monologue. Drawing out the thoughts of others is the fine art of communication.   Proper questioning of your child is essential to reaching the inner parts of what’s going on in your child’s heart.

Let’s look at an example.
Your son has just hit his sister.  What does Biblical correction look like?

Begin with appropriate questions.  Learn to discard the “why” type questions and use instead “what” type questions.  Here is what I mean.
Why questions: (no one, even adults like this approach).

Q. Why did you hit your sister?

A.  I don’t know.
It is possible that this child cannot answer this question being asked in this way. 
Consider this way to examine your child’s actions.
1. What were you feeling when you hit your sister? 

2. What did your sister do? 

3.  Help me understand how hitting her helped to make things better? 

4. What was the problem with what she was doing? (You may realize that her behavior was sinful.  This is not the issue now.) 

5.  In what other ways could you have responded? 

6. How do you think your response reflected your trust or lack of trust in God’s ability to protect and care for you?
You will need to work through these four areas.   

1.  the nature of the temptation 

2. possible responses to this temptation 

3. the motives for those responses 

4. the sinful response chosen.   

     As God’s agent of correction, you  are called to exercise discipline and correction, but with the attitude that you --as your child-- are a sinner who may also struggle with temptation of anger toward others.  Remember, the goal is to help your child identify the root of the sin in his heart, understand his need of Christ’s grace and redemption, repent and find forgiveness from Christ Jesus.

Next post we will investigate what types of communication are helpful.

Who's in Charge?

Who’s in Charge?

There is much confusion regarding the topic of ‘authority’.  Our culture dislikes being under authority but also dislikes the responsibility to exercise authority. Today we discuss the Bible’s instruction to parents concerning who is in charge in the home.
Should parents exercise the role of authority because they are smarter, more experienced? Do we rule on the basis of absolutes and principles of wisdom from the Bible or on the basis of the situation? 
Our culture rebels against the idea that rational, thinking, intelligent humans should willingly put themselves under the authority of another person.  We mistakenly believe that freedom is found in autonomy or self-rule.  However, true freedom is found in obedience.
Psalm 119 verses 44 to 45 states: “I will keep on obeying your instructions forever and ever I will walk in freedom, for I have devoted myself to your commandments.”

The Bible teaches that parents are called to be the agents of God to care for, nurture, correct and discipline children according to what pleases God.
Look with me at these Scriptures. In Genesis 18 verse 19 A, God instructs Abraham.. “For I have chosen him, so that he may command his children and his household after him to keep the way of the LORD by doing righteousness and justice,”
We see this does not allow Abraham to choose his own plan for how to raise his children. Abraham is to bring up his children in the fear and the admonition of the LORD. Look now at Deuteronomy chapter six verses one, two and seven.  "Now this is the commandment, the statutes and the judgments which the LORD your God has commanded me to teach you, that you might do them in the land where you are going over to possess it, so that you and your son and your grandson might fear the LORD your God, to keep all His statutes and His commandments which I command you, all the days of your life, and that your days may be prolonged.  "You shall teach them diligently to your sons and shall talk of them when you sit in your house and when you walk by the way and when you lie down and when you rise up.

Last we consider Ephesians chapter six verse four; Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.

Thus, the parent and the child are BOTH under God’s authority. We have different roles, but the same Master. What does this look like?  If you as a parent discipline your child in unholy anger, angry because you are not getting what you want from your child, you need to ask forgiveness.

There is no place for anger in discipline.  The Apostle James makes this very clear.  James 1:19-20 says, 

This you know, my beloved brethren. But everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger; for the anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of God.

Behavior changes as a result of parental anger do NOT move a child in the direction of God.  Rather, the child moves in the direction of the heart idolatry of the fear of man.

When a child disobeys you, it is God he disobeys. When a child fails to honor his parents, it is God he fails to honor.  If your child needs the correction of a spanking, you, as the father, communicate that the reason you must spank is that this is your act of obedience to God.  You are not spanking because you are angry, mean, or wish he had never been born.  You are not in a contest of wills to see who is the strongest.  You are under God’s authority.

The child learns to accept correction, not from perfect parents, but with the understanding that God says the rod of correction imparts wisdom and whoever heeds correction shows prudence. Read Proverbs 15 verse 5 and chapter 29 verse 15.  A good verse for all of us is Proverbs 15 verse 32. “He who neglects discipline despises himself, But he who listens to reproof acquires understanding.”

Let’s explore this word “discipline”.  We want to make it clear this is not revenge or punishment.  Discipline is an expression of LOVE.  Look at these Scriptures.  Proverbs 3 verse 12, “…the LORD disciplines those He loves , as a father the son He delights in.” Proverbs 13 verse 24, “He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is careful to discipline him”  Revelation 3 verse 19, “Those whom I love, I rebuke and discipline.”  And of course in Hebrews 12 we see the goal of discipline.

“You have not yet resisted to the point of shedding blood in your striving against sin; and you have forgotten the exhortation which is addressed to you as sons,

"MY SON, DO NOT REGARD LIGHTLY THE DISCIPLINE OF THE LORD,

NOR FAINT WHEN YOU ARE REPROVED BY HIM;

FOR THOSE WHOM THE LORD LOVES HE DISCIPLINES,

AND HE SCOURGES EVERY SON WHOM HE RECEIVES."

It is for discipline that you endure; God deals with you as with sons; for what son is there whom his father does not discipline? But if you are without discipline, of which all have become partakers, then you are illegitimate children and not sons. Furthermore, we had earthly fathers to discipline us, and we respected them; shall we not much rather be subject to the Father of spirits, and live? For they disciplined us for a short time as seemed best to them, but He disciplines usour good, so that we may share His holiness. All discipline for the moment seems not to be joyful, but sorrowful; yet to those who have been trained by it, afterwards it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness.” [verses four through eleven].

This type of discipline requires us to be very humble.  We must see ourselves, sinners as we are, as God’s agents to bring about circumstances whereby a child eventually glorifies God by submitting to the Father in deep contrition and repentance of heart, acknowledging the need for the cleansing power found only in the shed blood of Jesus Christ.

The issues of correction are issues of character needed to truly honor God.  God is not impressed or pleased with those who honor with their lips but the heart is far from God.  Godly discipline will move you toward your child, not against them.  Yes, there must be consequences for wrong behavior, but the following is NOT appropriate as a form of discipline.

·       Telling your child, I am fed up with you.  I will yell at you, hit you or otherwise make sure you never forget this incident.

·       Shaming your child with verbal comments of the child’s stupidity or worthlessness

·       Isolation of the child insisting the child sit there until he figures out what he did wrong

·       Negative comparison of the child with a sibling or relative or even yourself,

Next post we will consider what are appropriate parental goals as revealed in the Bible.