Biblical Goals of Parenting

Biblical Goals of Parenting

We know that we must be goal-directed.  If a person aims at nothing, this is what he hits.  Let’s explore the Biblical goals of parenting.  The Westminster Shorter Catechism states:

Q. What is the chief end of man?
A.  Man’s chief end is to glorify God and to enjoy him forever.

Is there any there any other goal that is truly worthy?  If we equip our children to use their abilities ,intelligence and gifts for any other purpose than to live out the gospel of Jesus Christ, then we are not parenting Biblically.  Americans live in a culture that has abandoned God.  Most churches are filled with people who aren’t converted.
The goal in Biblical parenting is to reach the heart, not just impact the behavior.  If you address only unacceptable behavior, you never encounter the cross.  The gospel is not a message about correcting bad behavior.  It is a message about being a new creature.  People are in need of a new heart, not a cosmetic change. God rejected the man who fasted twice a week but forgave the man who cried out for mercy.  Is God concerned with the method of child training? Yes. Example: Your two children are arguing and yelling at one another.  You can respond by yelling back at them and send them to their rooms.  You can promise the children a special treat if they simply be quiet so you can concentrate.  You can use shame and tell them how much you sacrifice to provide them nice things.  You can punish with withdrawal of privileges of a favorite toy or activity.  You can institute a long term do-these-good-deeds and in three months you will have a special treat. You can allow the sibling yelling and unkind ways to continue, rationalizing, they will outgrow this.    

What’s wrong with these methods? None of them deal with the root cause of the selfish attitudes and sinful anger and bitterness of the heart that causes quarrels.  Read James 4:1-3. “What is the source of quarrels and conflicts among you? Is not the source your pleasures that wage war in your members? You lust and do not have; so you commit murder. You are envious and cannot obtain; so you fight and quarrel. You do not have because you do not ask. You ask and do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, so that you may spend it on your pleasures.” NASB. 

Remember the goal is not simply to produce well-adjusted children; rather, children living under the Lordship of Jesus Christ, for the glory of God.  This is the only life worth living.

Two elements, woven together, are the Biblical methods needed to discipline, train and correct children.  These include proper communication and the use of the rod.

What does good communication look like? Your objective must be to understand your child, what goes on in them—their hopes, dreams, fears, concerns..the world from their perspective.  The goal in correction must be to understand the inner struggles in the heart, not to tell your children how you feel about what they have done or said.  Communication needs to be dialogue, not monologue. Drawing out the thoughts of others is the fine art of communication.   Proper questioning of your child is essential to reaching the inner parts of what’s going on in your child’s heart.

Let’s look at an example.
Your son has just hit his sister.  What does Biblical correction look like?

Begin with appropriate questions.  Learn to discard the “why” type questions and use instead “what” type questions.  Here is what I mean.
Why questions: (no one, even adults like this approach).

Q. Why did you hit your sister?

A.  I don’t know.
It is possible that this child cannot answer this question being asked in this way. 
Consider this way to examine your child’s actions.
1. What were you feeling when you hit your sister? 

2. What did your sister do? 

3.  Help me understand how hitting her helped to make things better? 

4. What was the problem with what she was doing? (You may realize that her behavior was sinful.  This is not the issue now.) 

5.  In what other ways could you have responded? 

6. How do you think your response reflected your trust or lack of trust in God’s ability to protect and care for you?
You will need to work through these four areas.   

1.  the nature of the temptation 

2. possible responses to this temptation 

3. the motives for those responses 

4. the sinful response chosen.   

     As God’s agent of correction, you  are called to exercise discipline and correction, but with the attitude that you --as your child-- are a sinner who may also struggle with temptation of anger toward others.  Remember, the goal is to help your child identify the root of the sin in his heart, understand his need of Christ’s grace and redemption, repent and find forgiveness from Christ Jesus.

Next post we will investigate what types of communication are helpful.