Shaping influences in the Child's Life

Shaping Influences in the Child’s Life

Let’s look at two passages of Scripture that show the relationship of child to parent.  Ephesians chapter 6 verses one through four tell us, “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.  HONOR YOUR FATHER AND MOTHER (which is the first commandment with a promise), SO THAT IT MAY BE WELL WITH YOU, AND THAT YOU MAY LIVE LONG ON THE EARTH.  Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” Colossians 3 verses 20 and 21 say, “Children, be obedient to your parents in all things, for this is well-pleasing to the Lord. Fathers, do not exasperate your children, so that they will not lose heart.”
Both passages show that children can expect to receive parental direction regarding how to understand and obey what pleases God.  This instruction needs to occur in such a way that the child doesn’t rebel in hopeless despair believing that obedience and honoring God and parents is much too difficult.

Tedd Tripp identifies six shaping influences or life experiences of your child.  The person your child becomes is the product of these life experiences and how he interacts with those experiences.  A child responds according to the Godward orientation of his heart.  So you can see why the heart is very important.
Let’s look first at the shaping influences.

1. What is the nature of structure of the family?  Single parent? Divorced parents? Grandparents part of daily life? Are they believers or unconverted? If a father in the home, is he the one who is the final authority? Only child? Birth order? Personality of the child and how the child relates to siblings? The birth order of the parents and if either is an only child?

2.  Family values. Are the values of your home based on human tradition and the surrounding culture or on what the Bible teaches?  Are people more important than things?  Is a child disciplined more severely for breaking a cherished vase or for willful disobedience?  What is the relationship with neighbors?  Open or closed?  Blood relatives of the family? Do mother and the children keep secrets from daddy? Or vice versa?

3.  Family Roles.  How involved is the father in the home? If the children ask permission to do something, do they go to dad or mom? Do the children have regular responsibilities in the family?  Are they treated like slaves?  Are they spoiled and treated like emperors? Are boys preferred to girls? Do they learn by working alongside the other family members [including the parents] how to become a servant?

4. Family Conflict Resolution.  Do parents resolve conflict between themselves Biblically? Or do they just hope things will quiet down and avoid asking forgiveness and proper reconciliation? Do they use the dozen roses or candy or nice dinner approach?  Do either or both parents use anger to attempt to control things?  What about name calling? Slammed doors? Physical violence?  Abusive speech? The silent treatment? Words that belittle or condemn?

5. Family response to failure.  Children are awkward and immature.  Some things are learned only by first failing to master the skill.  When failure occurs, are children made to feel foolish? Mocked? A source of amusement and cruel laughter?  Is one child compared to another in the family who ‘always succeeded’? Does the child have the idea that they can NEVER please the parent, no matter how well they do?

Or does the parent offer words of encouragement, praise for all credible attempts to master something difficult, a story of when the parent struggled to succeed? In other words, are parents relational in a positive and encouraging way to motivate the child to persevere?

6. Family History.  When a man and a woman marry, they bring into the new family a blend of two very different histories. Consider the following; how many times did you move as a child? What was the stability of the family? Did you grow up with dire poverty and not enough food for each person? Was a family member sickly with a chronic disease? If so, how was this child treated? Were there many deaths in the family? Divorces? Alcohol or drug abuse? Gambling or other addictive behavior? Constant quarreling between the parents?

As a parent, you must provide the best shaping influences you can by the grace of God. However, your child is not passive.  If your child knows and loves God, he will respond in a positive way to your shaping efforts.  Your children’s heart determines how he will respond to your parenting.

Next we consider the way in which your child responds to the structure you provide to help shepherd his heart.
Look with me at Proverbs 9 verses seven through ten.

“He who corrects a scoffer gets dishonor for himself, And he who reproves a wicked man gets insults for himself. Do not reprove a scoffer, or he will hate you, Reprove a wise man and he will love you. Give instruction to a wise man and he will be still wiser, Teach a righteous man and he will increase his learning. The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom, And the knowledge of the Holy One is understanding.”

It is the fear of the LORD that determines how one responds to correction.  At heart all people are religious. We are worshipers. Romans 1 verses 18 and 19 state this;

“For the wrath of God is revealed from heaven against all ungodliness and unrighteousness of men who suppress the truth in unrighteousness, because that which is known about God is evident within them; for God made it evident to them.”

Your children either respond to God by faith or they suppress the truth in unrighteousness. Faith enables us to know God and to know and enjoy a life of love, service and worship of God.  Suppression of the truth causes one to worship the creation and not the Creator and one becomes an idolater, bowing before things which cannot satisfy. Psalm 58 verse 3 says that even from birth the wicked go astray, displaying wayward behavior and speaking lies.  Children are NOT born morally neutral.  The Bible teaches that man sins because by nature he is a sinner. The Bible teaches that something is wrong in the heart of the child that requires correction.  Notice Proverbs 22 verse 15; “Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child; The rod of discipline will remove it far from him.”

What are the idols of a child? These are not statues of stone or wood, rather, they are the idols of the heart such as fear of man, evil desires, lusts, pride, conformity to the world, setting affections on the things below [earthly things].  They include any motives, desires, wants, goals, hopes and expectations that rule your child’s heart. They don’t have to be expressed outwardly to be present inwardly. However, behavior will reflect these idols at some point in the child’s life.

So parenting is NOT just providing good input such as a constructive home environment and positive interaction between the parent and child.  Part of the parent’s task is to shepherd the child as a child who is a worshiper—pointing the child to the One Who alone is worthy of worship.  Your child WILL worship; the question is Whom will he worship?

As important as providing a safe place and a stable home environment, we must address the issues of the heart. Selfishness and rebellion against authority are never outgrown because they are idolatry of the heart and not immaturity.

Next time we will consider how the parent functions as God’s agent. What is the role of discipline and correction?