Communication and the Wisdom Literature

We have been considering the goals of parents as God’s appointed caregivers or shepherds over the children God has entrusted to us. 

Today we will discuss God’s design for communication and how our beliefs about how to raise children will determine our communication methods.

Harsh words, yelling, scolding, the lecture method, and belittling are all associated with behavioral management which we already determined is not compatible with goals of parental nurture and discipleship. 

If our lives as parents are characterized by a vibrant faith and joyful confidence in God, our communication will exhibit these qualities: restraint, pleasant words and understanding.  I am sure there are other qualities, but today we consider these three.

RESTRAINT
Proverbs 17:27 says “A man of knowledge uses words with restraint, and a man of understanding is even-tempered.” Yes, our speech can be honest and yet must be seasoned with much grace to the hearer. We are not to speak ‘our mind’ or to ‘tell it like it is’. Speech that builds up and nurtures is neither impetuous nor thoughtless. Ecclesiastes 9:17 reminds us that quiet words carry a power that shouting or screaming words lack. “The quiet words of the wise are more to be heeded than the shouts of a ruler of fools.” Shouting trivializes words.

Restrained speech chooses the words carefully and keeps the message succinct.  Ecclesiastes 6:11 reminds us: “The more the words, the less the meaning, and how does that profit anyone?” Another warning about long conversations, Proverbs 10:19, “When words are many, sin is not absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise.”

Restrained speech thinks first, and then speaks.  “The heart of the righteous weighs its answers, but the mouth of the wicked gushes evil.” Proverbs 15:28. A word spoken can never be retracted.  This alone should cause us to put a guard over our mouth and to weigh carefully not only what we wish to communicate, but also the timing and the heart attitude we have in speaking of this matter. Two more Proverbs instruct us in wisdom.  “Do you see a man who speaks in haste? There is more hope for a fool than for him.” Proverbs 29:20.  “A man finds joy in giving an apt reply—and how good is a timely word.” Proverbs 15:23.

PLEASANT WORDS

Pleasant words are not a communication technique—they flow from the fear of the Lord. Proverbs 16:21 tells us, “The wise in heart are called discerning, and pleasant words promote instruction.” Another place we read “A wise man’s heart guides his mouth, and his lips promote instruction. Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.” Proverbs 16: 23,24. You cannot simply vent your displeasure with your child if you wish to promote instruction.  Frightening a child into submission by your rage and anger doesn’t mean they are listening to you.  Instead you have coerced your child into a cringing submission.  Verbal berating of your child identifies the parent as the fool of Proverbs 15:2. “The tongue of the wise commends knowledge, but the mouth of the fool gushes folly.” Grace is God giving us what we don’t deserve.  God gives the gift of forgiveness and everlasting life to people who deserve his condemnation. Ecclesiastes 10:12 says “Words from a wise man’s mouth are gracious.” We should give the same attention to our words as a jeweler does to design a lovely setting for a precious gemstone.  Proverbs 25:11 alludes to this.  “A word aptly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver.”  Pleasant words nourish the soul just as good food the body.  Proverbs 10:21 teaches “The lips of the righteous nourish many, but fools die for lack of judgment.” Your words need to be as a fountain of life-giving, pleasant waters.

I think that a good way to evaluate your words used with your children would include asking yourself if you would use these words with your colleagues, your contemporaries, your neighbors?

UNDERSTANDING

What is the goal of good communication? Many think communication is the ability to formulate ideas into words.  However, the ability to understand the person with whom one speaks is the highest form of communication.  Proverbs 18:2 says “A fool finds no pleasure in understanding but delights in airing his own opinions.”  How often do you begin a ‘conversation’ with your child that has no intention of listening to hear his heart?  Do you remember with regret some conversations after reading Proverbs 18:13? “He who answers before listening—that is his folly and his shame.”

If your child cannot talk to you and you will truly listen, they will find someone who will listen!  

Great skill is needed to draw out the deep things in your child’s heart.  Proverbs 20:5 states “The purposes of a man’s heart are deep waters, but a man of understanding draws them out.”  Unconditional love and acceptance are needed to create a safe place for your child to share the deep things of their heart.  You may be shocked or even grieved at what they are trying to share with you. However, if you remember you also are a sinner and your goal is to direct your child to the glorious gospel which provides a redeemer, you can love your child as God loves you.

Drawing out deep waters means learning how to ask good questions—then waiting long enough for an answer!
Ask questions that point to attitudes, feelings and thoughts.  “Help me to understand…”  “Could it be this…or that…or some other?”  Use a soothing voice and one filled with compassion and tenderness.  Choose the right moment to talk. Don’t try to multi-task and listen to your child.  Don’t press and try to elicit conversation if the child is tired or very upset.  This may be just the time to sit and be quiet and put a comforting hand on their arm or shoulder.  They may need to cry.  Boys also.  J Reassure your child that no matter what they share with you, you will love them and not abandon or reject them.

I encourage you to do a study as a family of the book of Proverbs.   Reading one proverb a day allows you to read the whole book in 31 days. Write down the verses that discuss any form of communication, the use of the tongue and the contrasts between wisdom and folly regarding communication.  Pray for one another for the grace of God to become a family who communicates! Perhaps husband and wife, you would like to do this for one month for the two of you.  J

Write me if you wish more information about how to improve your relationship with your children.